Dating is like shopping for a bathing suit, most of the time it makes you want to scream in frustration, but once in a while you find something that complements your ass.

“Have you been married?” Mr. Clean (let’s just call him that) asked me.

“No, I haven’t ever been married.” I replied with as neutral of a tone as possible.

“Have you ever been close? Engaged even?” He asked, with amazement in his tone.

What could I do but give an awkward smile as I said “Um, no, not really. No, I haven’t.”

First dates can always be awkward, personally I have to work very hard to employ a filter (something I don’t really have, except in type, because that is called editing) because I am usually thinking something along the lines of “So we’ve been dating for 30 minutes, is it too soon to explain my theory of evolution and how it involves aliens dropping off their stupid people on our planet?” (I would like to clarify that this was a “theory” I came up with during high school biology because my teacher was coming to class every day wearing white pants, red briefs and showing us videos of his dogs having sex as part of reproductive biology. It was really just a defense mechanism that I employed for the good of my and my lab partner’s sanity.)
Because I work so hard to not say what is on my mind the moment it occurs to me, it does come as a great surprise when I find someone else that doesn’t have a filter. (Okay perhaps I should clarify again, it comes as a surprise when I misjudge someone so much so that I end up on a date with them. Obviously the guy drinking out of a paper bag that has told me he saw on my resume that I would bleepity bleep him in the bleep with a bleep bleep and bleep it bleep, doesn’t have a filter. Or teeth.) Sitting across from Mr. Clean and basically being asked “What’s wrong with you?” during a first date, was not complimenting my ass.

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