Confession: I have a craigslist app on my phone. Sure, it can be a great tool to look for jobs or apartments, but in reality I have it so I can win the “freak out war” my friend and I have.  This war entails sending the other person a link to the most outrageous personal ad that we can find.  My personal best is the link to a priest who didn’t want to live a life of celibacy. Her personal best was the (now famous) ad for the girl who got pregnant at the Megadeath concert. Of course we know that most of the outrageous ads are fake, it doesn’t mean this isn’t fun.  The side effect of this game is that I have read a ton of craigslist personal ads, but it also means that I can decode them, much the way a realtor can tell you that “cute” means “tiny.” Below is a list of Men seeking Women translations:

“Looking for a college coed” = I am a 74 year old serial killer, who was rejected by women in college back in the 1950s when women were actually referred to as ‘coeds.’

“I’m really into Asians.” =  I am short OR I have a small penis and think that Asian women won’t notice because of all the rumors I’ve heard about Asian men.

“Daddy looking for a daughter to spoil.” = I am a registered sex offender.

“I’m a collage educated guy with a good job and I’m looking for a intelligent girl to hang out with. I know your out their!” = I was fired from my last job as an editor.

“Sub seeking dom.” = I have mommy issues.

“I’m seeking a girl with Christian values.” = There will be a lot of missionary.

“I’m willing to provide a$$istance for the right girl.” =The police think my name is John, at least that is what they call me when they throw me in the back of a cop car every time I’m on the street trolling for whores.

“I’m drug and disease free.” = I don’t use condoms and have been REALLY lucky.

“I’m 5’8″.” = I’m 5’7″ with a pair of Timberland boots on, but I’ll just go ahead and round up.

Posting a picture of a penis = I want spam from gay men.